I can see only an ocean of decisions that will gradually divide my priorities. I always have dreamed of success and a brilliant career, it's something I've been giving value to since a kid. But all my life have I as well waited for love, and thought always it would somehow come combined with career and family.
Decisions have always meant rupture to me. Means you chose something in order to give up the other thing you were also considering choosing. It's a rupture within yourself. A division of interests, a prior of order. Basically one of the hardest things in life – for me.
I don not expect anyone to understand me, my ambiance leads me to want everything always, and not everyone behaves so. This is me writing to ordinate my thoughts and ideas and try to elucidate my self and clear the fogginess of my mind state.
I always thought life as something that might turn into a static routine. You seem in a way to repeat daily chores, meet mainly the same people, say mainly the same things, do the same jokes, food, and complain the same way. Suddenly pops up a whole new universe loaded of opportunities. Though they don't wait for you, you wait for them. As soon as in your mind you are able to chose them, at that very moment, if not chosen they will just run away. What I am effortlessly trying to explain is my feeling and comprehension over how life functions for me with its monotonic side and it's window opening side. Out of a sudden I have to pick.
I always knew I was capable of greatness. We are human beings, it's part of what we are and what we can aim for. We can do anything, will can get us there. But the system of choices is not as easy. Maturity and thought is needed to be able to chose right and to not regret it later on, to keep your choice, sticking to it, to conclude it's mission so then you could get off and start another one. But if that really is life then our human spontaneity is almost never capable of surprising us.
I can't see other people just as other people, I can't make promises that I'm not sure I'll be able to do and I mostly can't hurt others. I can't play with other people's choices because I'm confused of my own path. If I persist doing that, all I will encounter is great suffering for me and others. I have to be serious, I'm not a kid anymore.
With the person I am right now that I both admire and love I just am not sure I can see a future with. I'm not sure in my system of choices I'll be able to simply give up some things I'm so attached to, as my success and attention of a society that well knows me comparing to the other that completely ignores me.
My plans in the beginning were simple: study, fall in love, , build patrimonies, marry, work hard, build a family, structure my kids, grow old with my beloved ones, die surrounded by grandchildren.
Sounded easy and close. At least it sounded like something I could aim for. It's not like my happiness relies under the possession of a Ferrari or some other absurd material achievement. I relied better on the simple concept of normal life, happiness, do it simple but do it well. Suddenly in that very system of choices somehow along the way I chose complicated instead for simple, I chose risking myself and my feelings to see how it went and maybe the answer was: it went, but will it ever go? And what are the benefits out of it?
Now here I found myself emerged in a pool of questions of all possible orders: religion, society, studies, career and relationships. My big question is, though, how do it get it all or maybe, is that even possible? How do we fight that attachment to all phenomena, how can I be save and secure by giving up certain things in order to priorate others?
I guess I can't make any more radical choices. So I'll analyze all my choices and try to make the best of it. I'm sure NOW that i'll finish college. I'll do it for me, for my effort, for the Bruna that always dreamed about a job, independence, a change in my country and the art of learning and developing. I won't do it for the others, it is – and i'm sorry to give my damn ego such evidence here – a matter of honor.
Meanwhile, can my mind settle down and think natural of leaving someone behind? Even if knowing it won't work out but that person expecting from you more than you can actually give? It's not fair to the person, he or she must know the truth. Reliability is the base of relationships and that I might as well have known better.
Conditions now seem to be against my past plan, because apparently my parents won't live here in this country so much longer, so I won't be able to be here so much as I would before if they would stick to their first choice. Sometimes I'm scared of what i believe in, if I believe life is still colorful and everything is possible. The future is to uncertain right now, my mind is changeable within every second. That instability is simply enough to make me explore totally different perspectives.
Maybe Buddhism will give me the answers so I could dis-attach from this material world. Stop expecting to fulfill all my wishes and turn then into succeeded choices instead.
The reason to all this is that I'm changing myself right now. Last week I would never analyze my life in such terms. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But the more I read and learn the more I think and worry, the more I see consequences coming out of every action I do and every thing I even permit my self considering. All I want is to have someone that tells me it's going to be ok. No one will get hurt. I'll achieve in life all I deserve and more if I dare to, etc. But that is just illusion. Even if my parents tell me everyday.. It is Like telling an old dieing man that death is not going to reach him. It's not true. I won't help. Because in anyway death will come, and without asking for permission. The same way all my feelings that I hide or ignore now will turn into involuntary choices that sooner or later will arise and hunt me down. I end up thinking: just live and let involuntary phenomena guide you through or keep high rationality to try to somehow solve the equation of choices and wantings and gettings and losings?